The Age of Defensive Dating

Risk nothing. Lose nothing. Aim for the lowest hanging fruit.

By Christine DeLozier, Author of Diet for Great Sex: Food for Male and Female Sexual Health

I remember dating back in high school when guys had a kind of innocence to them. They hadn’t been burned yet and were all-too eager to lay their heart on a silver platter and present it to the nearest salivating wolf. This person would carelessly trample on it on their way to make out with someone better-looking and who had a car.

Those were the best guys to date though, in retrospect. They could effortlessly and easily be sweet and kind without worrying about the power it gave their partner. The next relationship these guys were a bit more cautious. They gave less and asked for more. And after years of dating and relationships some of them became players and dicks, though they were once really sweet guys.

Most of us have been burned badly. Though we may not like to admit it, we all have someone in our past who left us broken-hearted. As we get older, all of those hurt feelings can affect the way we date in the present, and it might be getting in the way of finding great partners.

When you find someone you really connect with, you don’t want to be that bitter, jaded guy because nobody wants to date that guy. And no one wants to fuck that guy either. When we date someone, all our past relationships come back to haunt us, along with all those emotions we felt: all of our fears, insecurities and disappointments. That’s natural. You may worry that this person is going to be like that one you dated who was so clingy you couldn’t get rid of him no matter how hard you tried. Or the chick that was so nice you felt too bad to break up with her and instead stayed for six months too long. Or worse yet, the one that hurt you so bad that you couldn’t even think straight at work. That was the one you thought about for months or years afterwards.

When we get hurt, we protect ourselves the next time. We adopt certain behaviors in dating designed to keep us feeling good instead of insecure or rejected. What this looks like to you and the way you date is highly individual. Some people just avoid dating. Others limit their encounters to sexual ones. Many of us act disinterested even when we very much like a person. Still others don’t call even if we want to because it would sting too much to be rejected, so we reject them first.

Defensive dating is when you act in a rejecting way toward potential partners in order to avoid getting burned.

What does this look like?

• Acting disinterested
• Playing hard to get
• Dating people that you are not very attracted to. If you feel this person is “beneath” you, they won’t have the power to hurt you.
• Not giving your partner compliments (on their appearance, intelligence, skills, success etc.)
• Criticizing a partner on things you don’t actually dislike
• Hit it and quit it. You’ll reject them before they can reject you.
• Having competitions to see how long you can go without texting them back.
• Mind games. By sheer force of will you won’t catch feelings or start to care.

You don’t want to lose power in a relationship by letting the person know just how much you like them. But the worst scenario of all is that your efforts succeed. Your date gets the message loud and clear: you’re not interested. You risk nothing and gain nothing. And if nothing is what you’re looking for, then this works out just fine. But most of us are looking for love. Or sex. Or companionship. But not nothing.

The problem with defensive dating is that we stop giving of ourselves to a potential partner. But giving is part of being kind. And kindness is something we all aspire to find in a partner. It’s the very thing that keeps someone coming back.

I dated this one guy who, whenever I would talk about my accomplishments, in a very non-bragging way, he would intentionally act unimpressed. Growing up poor, I had to work extra hard in order to get ahead. Being successful was really hard-earned, and something I am proud of. I realized after dating him for several months that it made him feel bad about his own accomplishments. He wanted me to feel lucky to have him.

What he didn’t realize was that none of us wants to date someone who is indifferent towards us. We all want a partner who is very much impressed and sees our unique beauty. We want someone who lets us know how special we are and looks at us like we’re a superstar.

Does everyone experience this?

Ironically, the real Casanovas are those least likely to engage in defensive dating. Why, you may ask, do some people have just the right charm that wins over all the babes? Well, first of all, these people never fear losing power by doling out complements or texting twice. The Casanova makes you feel like you are the only person in the room. The defensive dater, on the other hand, makes you feel like they’re looking past you at someone hotter.

If you really want to find someone you think is wonderful, you have to risk getting burned. You have to be vulnerable. The risk is that you will feel the sting of rejection.  But if you don’t put yourself on the line, you have 0% chance of finding what you’re looking for.

What does all this actually look like? It means putting kindness and honesty first. It means remembering that if your date doesn’t feel a connection, it’s not personal. It’s no more personal than if you feel no connection. You simply put your kindest, best self forward. You don’t have to be cool. You don’t have to be funny. You just have to be kind while you’re trying to get to know the person. True chemistry is generally a mutual experience, so if it’s working, you’ll both know soon enough.

The best rule when dating is the golden rule: date others the way you would like to be dated. For me personally, I would like to be worshipped like a queen. And I’ll put my partner on a throne in return. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Do you?